This may be a little off-topic, but as I’ve talked about gardening and plant therapy before to help my GAD and depression, this is sort of related. Garden warfare is a serious matter.

chipmunk and garden warfare
They’re cute until they eat everything you love.

You see this little guy? This is our friend, the chipmunk. And by friend, I mean the type of rodent that looks cute, but you secretly want to kill. You see him in your garden… you think, “Oh! How cute… he’s got a bunch of stuff in his cheeks… isn’t he adorable?”.

Well, guess what. Your PLANTS are what he has stuffed in his cheeks. His furry, diabolical, plant-eating cheeks. He doesn’t care about your garden. He doesn’t care how hard you’ve worked. He’s just a hungry little guy whose nondiscriminatory nature makes every available source of food a meal opportunity. He’s unprejudiced in his mealtime decision-making.

rabbit bunny garden warfare pest control
What’s up, Doc? Certainly not your plants.

This is Mr. Rabbit. He’s one carrot short of a garden catastrophe, and he will eat every vegetable in sight. Does he eat the weeds too? OH HECK NO. He just wants your vegetables. He’s got to watch his girlish figure, after all. He’ll rip your beets and carrots right out of your garden and swallow them down his carrothole, but not before he nibbles your lettuce and spinach to bits. He may be cute, but he’s a devil in disguise. Don’t let the innocent bunny act fool you: he’s out for blood. Or carrots. Whatever.

His favorite thing to do is to nibble through any fencing you’ve got around your garden that isn’t made of titanium. Pest deterrents? Owl statues that are meant to safeguard? Pfffft. He doesn’t even care. His trembling, adorable bunny nose will sniff out any scrumptious veggies, and he’ll gnaw through your fencing like Pacman gulping down dots.

squirrel problems garden warfare pest control
The Tasmanian Devil of the United States.

And here he is. My mortal enemy…. the squirrel. I’m not sure how many countries have squirrels, but I pity the ones that do. These things are like Hell’s paratroopers, because it doesn’t matter if your fence is made of titanium; they’ll dive-bomb it from a nearby tree branch like the kamikaze rodent pest they are. Your fence is electrified? They don’t give a crap. They’ll just take a flying leap and grab onto the nearest tree branch and ninja out of there.

But not this year…

This year, I’ve come up with a genius plan. Plant cages.

plant cage pest control garden warfare
Try getting through there, squirrels.

But what about the squirrels leaping in from above? you say. Well, that’s why I’ve put netting over the top of the cages, so they’ll just bounce off when they leap down. It’s a squirrelly trampoline. I’ve also taken the time to lace every bit of soil with cayenne pepper and garlic salt, something those little critters hate. I’m not losing my garden to a bunch of furry pests this year.

Not this time, mothernutters.

I have worked hard for this garden. I have nurtured these plants from seedlings to grow into big strong plants that will someday produce fruit. Or vegetables. Whatever. I don’t intend to have my summer ruined by the Rocky and Bunnywinkle.

So watch out, critters. I have more up my sleeve for you. You just wait.